Out of Control

Joshua seems to have enjoyed his first experience of Summer school: he was excited to go there and he came back with his face painted like a dinosaur! He has never had his face painted before, he would not tolerate it in the past, but apparently the face painters were two ‘young pretty girls’, so he will have enjoyed their attention. He was still giggling at his own face in the mirror last night, before I washed it off in the bath.

But perhaps it was the excitement, or maybe it was the seizure that he had at 4pm, at home, but he did not sleep last night at all. I stayed with him trying my usual tactics – a cuddle, a story, some cereal and finally at 1am , in desperation, I reached for the sedative. When I left him alone in the dark, he started calling out to me, so at 2am I delivered him to my husband and told him that I needed some sleep. I managed to grab 3 hours, before I awoke and heard him watching ‘Lion King’, calling my name and wandering about in his bedroom. So I got up and have brought him downstairs for an early breakfast and his medication. While I am up early, I have baked some brownies to distribute on my travels, so every cloud….

I wonder if he knows on some level, that I am going away this morning, staying away for work overnight. Does he realise that I will worry about him more now as he looks to be threatening another seizure? I will be leaving him in his Dad and Yorkshire Grandma’s capable hands, but nonetheless I will still fret that I am not here, taking care of him. When we are apart, my imagination can conjure up terrible scenarios, especially when nobody answers the telephone. I will be back tomorrow afternoon, but until then, I have to hand over the reins and trust in my stand-ins.

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