Torn in Half

Joshua and the dogs had not seen me since Wednesday morning and so, when I arrived home on Friday evening, I received the best welcome. The dogs greeted me at the door and I struggled to get past them, with their excited bouncing, to reach Joshua in his den. Joshua’s eyes opened wide and he grinned from ear to ear as he tried to get up from  where he was lounging on the settee, to greet me. So I sat next to him and we exchanged kisses and hugs, then he started waving at Yorkshire Grandma, as if to say, you can go now, my Mum is home! As we sat talking, catching up on the last few days, Joshua kept sitting next to me for a couple of minutes, then he would stand up and squeeze himself next to her for the same duration – he simply did not know what to do with himself, he was so happy. He kept patting his chest to tell me that he loved me.

It was such a wonderful welcome home, which  was just what I had needed , as I had begun to worry more about Mum in hospital the further away that I has driven. As I was leaving her ward, I was confident that we had got her moved to the right place and onto a renal ward where they can finally help her. I had reluctantly left her in their care and I knew that her sister was only minutes away , she would be taking over the visiting and supporting role for the next two days. But it was hard to let go; as while I was there beside her bed, I had live information on what was going on and what the doctors were thinking and doing, and I could see for myself what state she was in. My Mum has a tendency to be too brave and so an email or text will often belie just how bad she is feeling, as she is never one to make a fuss. But now at a distance, I am forced to rely on updates from my Aunt, which will never be frequent or detailed enough to replicate being on the scene. Tomorrow my sister will visit and we do not have a visiting schedule for next week yet. The visiting hours are more restricted in her new ward, to just two hours in the afternoon and two in the evening, so I will work out when I can go next.

Rationally I know that she is covered this weekend with her closest family and so I will focus on matters at my home, which I have neglected this week. Thank heavens that Joshua was not an indifferent, sulky teenager who barely knew if his mother was there or not, if that had been the case, I would have probably turned around and headed right back there. But his warm, affectionate welcome, made the separation easier to tolerate. I have thought on several occasions this week, if only I could clone myself, then I could leave the daughter version at Mum’s bedside and the Mum version of myself, back at home, as I felt a strong pull in both directions. Sadly, that technology is not available to me as yet and so in the meantime, I will have to be patient until I can return to visit mum again myself and will enjoy a lazy weekend at home.

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