Joshua said a new word last night in his bath, which was very exciting; He watched me close my eyes and he said “tired”. I opened my eyes and asked him what he said, as I had never heard him use it before, and he repeated ” tired”! I told him that he was right, I was very tired. It was particularly thrilling as he was not simply repeating something that I had said but it showed real sensitivity and understanding; He had looked at my face and found the right word for what he saw, which he has never done before. It shows how much more aware he is of things and people around him, in the past he would not have noticed if I was tired or not, so that is something to be celebrated and shared.
It was also a useful new word, as it describes how I have been feeling most of the time lately. The emotion of the last few days, seems to be taking its toll and so I regularly feel exhausted. I am struggling to keep my eyes open much later than 7 pm. Of course, the quality of my sleep is not as good as usual; the night before last after 90 minutes of sleep, I awoke in a panic and ran around the house checking that everyone, including the new pups, were OK. It took some time to get back to sleep after real terror like that, as my heart was racing.
I am sure it is my body’s way of recovering and protecting itself, but I am closing my eyes when I can or need to. So Joshua has probably seen a more tired Mum than he has noticed before too. He has walked in from his den and found me asleep on the settee twice that I can think of, and he has either woken me with his cold hands on my face or he has sat next to me – well more like on me!- quietly. He will be trying to process what is going on too I am sure, as he will recognise that his Mum is not her usual self.
That being said, I cannot wallow in grief and self-pity with Joshua around, as he will simply not allow it, so that is helpful. We had a lazy day yesterday at home but we did two things that Mum would definitely have approved of : my husband and I filled our hanging baskets with plants, removing the dead wood and weeds from last year’s baskets that were still hanging. Both Mum and Dad were blesssed with green fingers and shared a love of gardening, so they must have despaired of our unkempt plot. So this job was one that I wanted to do. And in the afternoon, in the pouring rain, we went for afternoon tea at a local walled garden. We had taken my parents there several times, always on scorching summer days, and it is a peaceful, beautiful environment. But yesterday, on the Bank Holiday of course, it was very busy and the heavens opened as we walked to the garden. We sheltered from the rain in a cactus house to drink our tea and eat our scones. It was still good to get out of the house, as I have not wanted to venture very far from home lately.
I was very grateful of the long weekend, I certainly needed it to re-build my strength, as I think that the week ahead will be one filled with more tears and essential paperwork. But I am very lucky that I will do it all with my big sister by my side, so I will not need to feel alone.