Yesterday morning I did something that I knew rationally that I was not really ready to do and it backfired badly on me: I was thinking about my eulogy for Mum and I remembered that I had written a blog on International Woman’s Day as to what I admired about Mum. So I traced it and re-read it and figured that I could adapt it for her funeral. Then I thought that I would check how Mum had reacted to it at the time, so, and here is my mistake, at 4 am , I opened up my folder of emails from Mum in March. I found the one that I wanted easily by the date and in her modest, calm way she had simply said that it was lovely but it had made her cry. But instead of stopping there, I began to read more of her emails . They were full of love but full of progress reports on her appointments with doctors and a commentary on the swelling in her legs and ankles. Now with hindsight, I realise how ill she was, but at the time we took it in our stride, taking our lead from Mum who never liked a big fuss. I began to weep uncontrollably and 4 am is a lonely time of day, with no real distractions from your own thoughts.
It was probably part of the grieving process that I needed to go through, but it took me by surprise and I could not stem the tears or the sadness. My best friend woke at 5 and I invited myself around for a cup of tea and a chat. She advised that we both had a bit more sleep, which was good advice, and so I went back to bed for an hour and then set off to her house at 6.30 am. We drank tea in her garden and talked , which was a perfect antidote as I needed to focus on something and someone else to bring me out of my gloom. I left an hour later, in a much happier place, and both boys were still asleep when I arrived home, none the wiser.
Thereafter, I had a lazy Sunday : a morning bath, put some washing on and went to Tesco with Joshua, which was both fun and productive. I made us lunch and then really needed a nap afterwards, to re-charge my batteries. I nodded off on the settee but was rudely awoken, after not very long, by Joshua and then by Ruby, both trying to sit on me. So I abandoned that siesta plan, and started to make spaghetti bolognaise. Joshua was clearly stir crazy by this time as he was banging doors all over the house and creating mayhem generally. So we took him to Donalds, which he always loves, for his end of holiday treat. He ate his chicken and chips while waving to all of the other customers. On the way home, we went for a brief walk on the empty beach to blow the cobwebs away. We all ran to the shore and Joshua enjoyed the freedom of running whichever way he wanted and he lay down in the sand a couple of times. The long sandy beach had restorative properties for us all and as all the holidaymakers had gone home, we had it virtually to ourselves. It was a perfect end to the day, another emotional day .