Mind Games

Even after a productive day, my mind played tricks with me which is why I have been up and awake since midnight. I awoke with a start and immediately checked the time then I cried out. In my dream if I did not wake up before a certain time, my sister would die and I had missed my deadline. How am I supposed to sleep after such a nightmare? My sub-conscious is clearly trying to work everything out while I am asleep.

I was surprised as my sister and I had been together all afternoon, at Mum’s house and had achieved a lot together and had managed to share some laughs too. We began by calling round all the utility suppliers to inform them of Mum’s death and to take over her direct debits, I took on gas,electricity and telephone , while my sister tackled water and direct mail. These are time consuming calls to make, although most large companies have Bereavement Teams, which I did not know about. After those calls , we thought we had earned some lunch out as we seem to be comfort eating our way through these post-funeral days. Then we braced ourselves to go to the funeral director to collect Mum’s ashes and then carried them home. Mum left her instructions of the places where she wanted to be scattered, she did not want a head stone, so we will of course do as she wanted and organise some trips to do the scattering in due course.

That was enough by the time we got back to Mum’s house, so we sat quietly in the lounge, with the cup of tea that we had earned.We have both found some peace being at Mum’s house, surrounded by her things, just how she left them. We are in no real rush to pack up Mum’s belongings and house, there is no hurry. In the meantime it is a calm, comforting and happy place where we can share memories of our childhood and of Mum, as she lived there for the last 41 years. This is a surreal period of adjustment and we are still in very early days, so we will just continue to take each day as it comes for now and keep reminding ourselves to behave and react like Mum would have done.

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