Unbelievably today is exactly one month since Mum’s funeral : in many ways it feels much much longer ago than that, as we have faced so many emotions, and achieved so much, since that day and in the 7 weeks since she died. Today is going to be another landmark day for us : for the last two years, Mum opened up her garden to 20 or so church friends to play croquet on her lawn. She was always anxious about it, would the weather hold up and then of course there was the year that badgers dug up her lawn and would it recover in time for Croquet Day! Several people at Mum’s funeral mentioned that they would now have to find another venue for what had become an annual event in the church diary.
So my sister and I discussed this soon after the funeral and we invited the ladies to hold it at Mum’s house again this year, in her memory. They accepted and it is planned for today. So Joshua is tucked up at respite out of harm’s way and I am baking a cake right now, then later this morning we are heading across the country to Mum’s house. We are having nothing to do with the croquet part, but we have offered to make cups of tea and provide some home baking to accompany what they supply.
I know in my heart that Mum would have approved of our invitation and that she would love to think that her friends were enjoying her lawn once again. But it promises to be an emotional day, when Mum’s absence will be most keenly felt. I am hopeful that being with her friends, sharing memories, will be a tonic, rather than bringing more self-inflicted unbearable pain, but it is bound to be an emotional day, whatever those emotions will be. For most of those friends, it will be the first time that they have been in Mum’s house without her being there, so that will not be easy for them – at least we have crossed that hurdle several times already.
Grief is such a surprising emotion as it is is possible to function with everyday life, but I have found there is a constant sadness, state of loss, that I carry around with me – an unease that something is not right in my life. One of the highlights of today will be to be reunited with my sister as she has been on holiday this last week and we did not see each other the week before either, so this has been by far the longest time apart since Mum died. I struggled last week and I am certain that it was, in part, because my sister was further away than usual, I knew that I could not jump in my car and see her in 90 minutes if I needed to. So we have some hugs to exchange, as well as cups of tea to generate and some moral support to offer and receive.
Let Croquet Day commence, bring it on!