I spent last night at Mum’s house and apart from being confused as to where I was when I woke, I slept well. On this wet, grey 11th of September, we think even more of Mum as this should have been her 80th birthday. We will mark it of course but it simply cannot be the celebration that we had planned and hoped for, as the birthday girl will not be here. I told a client that this should have been her birthday and quite rightly, he replied, ‘It will always be her birthday’.
One of the surprisingly hard things to do at her house, is to turn over the pages of her calendars to a new month. It sounds easy enough but marking the passage of time, another month when she is not living here, seems significant as I leave August behind and move into September and another season. September was always a special month, with our two birthdays and then when we were younger, the start of a new school or university term, it was a month of new beginnings. I am hoping that September 2019 can also be a month of new beginnings in our journey of grief. One when it starts to feel less raw and we can start to not feel as though we are on an emotional tightrope all the time. This is the first significant date when she is not around, but then there will be my birthday without her phone call and Christmas without her being a helpful, considerate guest at our house. Nothing will ever be the same x