Time Passes

Eight weeks ago, was a week that changed my life forever : on Tuesday 21st of May, Ruby had her puppies, so it was their 8 week old birthday yesterday. During that time, they have grown into three healthy, loving and naughty puppies and they delight me every time that I come home to them. All three follow me around at lunch time as though I am there mother; we have got into a routine of a walk around our field before I eat my lunch and they are simply delightful company, as they wag their tails so enthusiastically and they tumble over the long grass and each other. They are now old enough to have their first inoculations and so they are booked in for their first visit to the vet on Thursday this week, to begin the process that enables them to be mature and protected enough to leave their mother, their siblings and the only home that they have known. It will be hard to split them up but I am relieved that they are going to nieces, so I will get to see them grow up and develop into  independent family pets.

Later that same week, on Friday 24th May, Mum died in hospital and our family suffered a huge loss. Even two months later, with her funeral behind us, we are still in disbelief over what has happened. Today I am heading back to her house to meet the surveyor who will value her property, which  feels like another landmark event. This was our family home for the past 41 years and so there are so many memories tied up there. When our Dad died, our Mum still wanted to live in that house and so sole ownership simply passed to her, but this feels more final to us, as it marks the end of that family home and our family life. We will have, in the future, big decisions to make over the future of this home but this will be the first step, the first of many more decisions to be made. I cannot think much further ahead than today on the house yet, so I am still taking each day as it comes, as it still feels like really early days to me, but I am aware that we cannot preserve it like a museum forever either.

What an emotional, life-changing week that was eight weeks ago. As if I need reminding, the puppies growing up reminds me that life goes on. Although it feels like it should, the world does not stop just because our dear Mum has died. Gradually a new pattern of life begins, one where I do not email my Mum most days , one where I call my sister, rather than my Mother, when I need to share some news, and one where our family home now stands empty.

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Time to Review

Yesterday we had the first review meeting at Joshua’s new adult respite provision to discuss how his first few months have gone. Myself and my husband met with  the respite manager and Joshua’s key worker, and our social worker. We sat around the dining room table sharing how well he has settled in and planned the future, when he will progress to longer stays. He has started to eat there and is getting to know the staff and his bedtime routine. They have heard some of his language and they are planning activities that he might like to do in the future.

The only issue remaining has been showering as Joshua is not keen to get into the shower, though he is fine once he is in there. His downstairs bedroom has an en suite  wet room. Joshua prefers a bath, but the only bath is upstairs and is the en suite to a young lady’s room so it is not really accessible to him. This is not a new aversion, his children’s respite often struggled to shower him and if he objected enough, they would not insist. I would never offer him a shower at home, as I do not feel safe with a tussle to get him in there. They plan to try ‘desensitisation’, whereby the shower will be on whenever he goes into the wet room so that it becomes more familiar and hopefully less intimidating, and he will be encouraged just to put his hands under the spray of water at first, so we will see how that goes. He has two weekends booked in this month, so some progress will hopefully be made.

Joshua is now funded wholly by Health and so we have lost our current Adult Social Worker to be replaced by one who works for Health rather than Social Care. So this was our last meeting with her. She has certainly been an effective and caring social worker for our family, although Joshua never really acknowledged her when she visited him at school or at respite. But she spent a lot of time last summer getting to know us as a family and understanding both mine and my husband’s perspectives, as they are very different, and she took both of them into account when writing reports and seeking funding. She was proactive too, chasing me to look around respite alternatives and even yesterday, she was nagging me to review his daycare options in the near future too. This is the approach that we need, as otherwise time flies away from us just dealing with the day to day, she has always had her eye firmly fixed on the future, whereas I prefer the comfort and familiarity of the past and the present. So my husband shook her hand as we left, thanking her, and I gave her a hug. Nothing stays the same in life, time to move on but she has left us in a better state than she found us 18 months ago, and for that I am thankful.

Plus ca Change

Now is the time, after Mum’s funeral last week, that the harsh reality begins to sink in, that we will not see her again. As we return to work, it seems odd that life continues as normal for everyone else, while our  world has shifted on its axis. I have been feeling rather numb, so I have been operating on auto-pilot, which is probably the mind’s way of coping with the shock and loss. My mind has also been playing tricks on me: as we live over two hours away from Mum’s home, it has been fooling me into believing that everything is normal and that she is still at the end of a phone, whenever I have anything that I want to report or discuss. I know that it is still early days in our grief journey, but I keep getting caught out by the waves of real sorrow that overtake me.

Today my sister and I are heading back to Mum’s house and we will collect her ashes from the funeral director, so today is another big step in letting her go. Once again, I know how fortunate I am that I will have my big sister by my side. Although we were only together last Friday and we are speaking at least once a day at the moment, it still seems like forever since I saw her last and I am really looking forward to seeing her later. Only my sister truly understands my loss as Mum’s daughter and we do not have to pretend to be brave for each other.

Before I drive to Mum’s house, I am taking Joshua into school as I am meeting with his teacher this morning for 6th form Open Morning. It will be useful to have the opportunity to find out more about their plans for Joshua during his final year of school. I am adjusting to the reality that he will be leaving school this time next year, when he is 19, and I am sure, with the right support, we can find him the right place for the next phase of his life.  I am hoping that we can find somewhere that replaces the hole that school will leave in his life, so Monday to Friday 9-4 pm would be ideal. This is just one more change that we will have to face together and with the right groundwork, I am certain that we can adjust and start to look forwards, rather than backwards, which is always more comforting as it is familiar.

It does not matter that I am not very good at change, because change is thrust upon me, whether I like it or not. There is no point in me fighting it, as that only makes things more difficult, I need to simply embrace it, pick up the pieces and move on.

Party Animals

It was Joshua’s Farewell party at his children’s respite provision yesterday afternoon, and it could not have gone better. I arrived  with homemade cake to share  and he was sitting on the settee when I arrived but leapt up, grinning, when he saw me in the doorway and I had countless hugs – he alternated between me and his keyworker, he was so excited.

We moved into the dining room , which had been decorated in a Shrek theme in his honour as well as having Good Luck banners on the walls, and  we added my cheese straws to  a generous savoury buffet. One young man was sitting patiently at the table desperate to begin with the party food and another took his pizza into the conservatory to enjoy in peace. But we were surrounded by staff eating with us and chatting, reminiscing about the fun times that they had enjoyed with Joshua and the tricks of his – like hiding the telephone and playing hide and seek – that they would miss.

Joshua might have shied away from the large group, but he loved it and milked all the attention. He joined in and even ate some party food, and he seemed to sense that the party was in his honour somehow. He waved at the staff gathered around the table and would occasionally flash his tummy at them too. It was easy, to feel the love in the room – he adores the staff and they clearly adore him in return and they kept telling me how missed he was going to be and how his weekend would never be the same again.

I was given a card that they had all written lovely good luck messages in as well as a beautiful photo album, full of photographs of their many outings together and the various members of staff that he has been with over the last 4 years. I opened the album and started to read a message, but I had to stop as I felt my eyes prickle with tears. I thanked them but said that I would look at it once we got home.

It was a very emotional party, I am not very good at change or goodbyes, Joshua is much better equipped for both. But the overwhelming emotions that I felt were love, gratitude and pride of our son. I was proud of myself too, for managing to hold in the tears while I was there, but that did take supreme effort and the floodgates opened once I got back in to my car and again later on the telephone when I spoke to his keyworker. It seems hard to believe that he will not be staying there ever again, although I have agreed that we will come and see his keyworker in the future, and that knowledge helped me to say goodbye. I want them to know what a great job they do for our families, they are a lifeline for many of us, but I am confident that I made that clear.

We left Joshua there for his final night and he was treated to a special trip to Donalds,just him and two members of staff, which of course went down very well. I teased the staff and told Joshua to make the most of his final stay and to stay awake all night long. But when I rang to check all was well at 9pm, he was tucked up in bed already, oblivious to the tears that were being shed over him. He has the best idea, love them while you are there but then move on to the next stage without looking back,  he is confident that he will be loved, wherever he goes – and so far, I do not think he has ever been wrong.

Next Steps on the Journey of Life

Yesterday was an important step in Joshua’s respite story, as he had his first visit to his recently approved Adult Short Breaks provision. I took him there for 9 am and he was certainly curious about where we were driving too and he hesitated to get out of the car when we arrived. But with some encouragement, he climbed out of the car and we walked towards the door. I rang the bell and he was then inpatient to get inside and he pushed past me to try the door handle, which is what he was doing when the manager came to let him in. He smiled at the three staff members and marched through into the lounge. He kept hugging me for reassurance but he was not unhappy to be there and remained in the armchair waving, as I left, promising to return three hours later.

When I did return at midday, he was pleased to see me and began waving goodbye to the staff. They told me what he had been doing and had some very sensible questions about what some of his gestures might mean and we discussed offering him choices. Joshua began to kick my shins, just gently, as a hint that he was ready to go and to stop talking. He did not say anything to the team but he did utter a ‘thank you’ once back in the car. He will return tomorrow for a slightly longer stay, which we have been promised will involve a trip to Donald’s – they know how to win him over.

I was anxious about the new setting , it felt the same as when he started at nursery all those years ago : How will they know what he is asking for? Will he be afraid of these strangers?Will he be upset by the change? Will they take good care of my precious boy? And the same as most new settings, he took it all in his stride of course, he is much more adaptable than I am.

Joshua has had several respite places in his life : the first Special School that he moved to when he was 7, had a residence attached to the school. I was very resistant at first but after a few months, he began to stay on Monday evenings and he loved the hustle and bustle and it saved his long journey to school on Tuesday mornings. But we left that school in Spring 2011 and so we were left without any respite for a full year , while our social worker sought an alternative provision. In 2012 he began to stay at a local authority home one weekend in four and that worked well, until the company changed the property’s use to Adults residential.

We then had a 9 month gap again while we had to go out of area to find any suitable children’s respite facilities. Our social worker gave me two places to look around in a neighbouring county, both would be at least an hour away from home. I fell instantly in love with the first one that I looked around; the team leader opened the door and asked me if I could walk like a penguin? I laughed and said that I could and immediately felt that both I and Joshua would fit in well here, so I declined to view the other alternative, as I had found what I was looking for. Joshua had a  slow, phased introduction and it worked out brilliantly at the provision where he currently goes for monthly short breaks. Joshua adores the staff and the feeling seems to be mutual. They are planning a leaving party for him next month on his final weekend, after 3.5 years of monthly visits, and I will be bringing cake and tissues.

But nothing stays the same forever, things change and he has to move on, to allow the next youngster to experience the joy that he has felt while there. I was delighted with our first visit and although Joshua was shy, he took it all in his stride. It is a sign of his increasing maturity that he is slight more reticent of strangers than he once was and a great indication of his increased awareness of what is going on around him. Three years ago, Joshua was mostly asleep, they had to plan activities around his daytime sleeping patterns, so he really did not care where he was, so long as they had a comfortable settee. Today’s Joshua is much more lively and aware, but he has always found a way to charm his carers. Right back when he was 4 years old, the Headteacher of his nursery school had written about him ” Joshua has a way to win hearts”, she spotted his skill that early on and he has never lost it, in fact he has finely honed this skill as he has got older. It is the best tool that he has at his disposal and I am  confident it will help him throughout the rest of his life.

All Change!

Yesterday morning at work, I got the telephone call that I have been waiting for,  for a couple of weeks : our social worker rang to tell me that our choice of adult respite provision has been approved by panel. I knew that it was being heard ten days ago but since then, there had been silence and so I was beginning to fear that it had been rejected and that we would have to go through the painful appeals process.

But no, the decision was made and actually approved a week ago. So now we are free to begin the introductions process apparently, so that there should be no gap in provision. When Joshua first went to his current provision, we had a lengthy induction process with him staying longer every month : the first month we took him for tea and stayed with him, then a month later we dropped him off for tea but left him to it. Then the following month he stayed a full Saturday and we picked him up after tea and then, he stayed for a full Saturday, both day and night. So it was only in month five that he stayed for his whole weekend. This phased introduction was to give him the chance to get familiar with the place and staff and for them to learn more about him. When we had the assessment at home, I had explained that Joshua was very laid back and that he handles change well and that I had never known him pine for me or get upset when I left him somewhere, such as nursery or school. But they had a set routine for phased introductions for every child.

This time, now he is an adult, I am hopeful that we can condense his introductions into a shorter period and hopefully use the Easter holidays to get started with some daytime visits. Joshua still does not pine or get upset when I leave him but he is certainly more aware than he was 3 years ago, nowadays. When he first began at his current provision, their main challenge was the fact that he was asleep all the time. They had to plan activities in the day for when they thought that he might be most likely to be awake and he was often curled up on their settee asleep. He rarely sleeps in the daytime now as his nighttime routine is so much better, so he is much livelier than he was back then and he needs more managing and entertaining.

The two downsides of him being more lively are that:

  • He has developed attention-seeking behaviours , such as kicking walls and doors, to ensure that he is not ignored and that he gets his own way. Unfortunately he occasionally also kicks people’s shins or ankles, particularly if they have their back to him or if they are talking to someone other than him!
  • He is more aware that he is being left somewhere new, with new people. In the old days, he was too sleepy to object or probably notice that we were leaving him somewhere. But now he is more conscious of change and while he will not object, we have seen a more timid side to him, He will hold my hand tightly when we arrive somewhere and he will be quieter than normal, while he processes what might be going on.

But on the positive side, he will be able to express if he is not happy in the new provision now, he votes with his feet, whereas in the past he would not really have had the energy or awareness to object. So his feedback will be invaluable in those transition days, as we have chosen where we think he will like best and where suits us for its convenience, now it is over to them to make him feel welcome and  to him, to give our choice his seal of approval.

Joshua is much better at change than I am, he does not look back ever, once he has moved on. So he loves his current respite provision and staff but he has shown that he moves on well, without a backward glance. Joshua is about the here and now. I have known teaching assistants that he has been really close to at school , so much so that you cannot think that he will tolerate a new one. But within days, he is hugging the new TA and blanks the previous one in the corridor, much to my embarrassment. I guess it is a useful survival technique to focus on the here and now and once something or someone is gone from your life, do not mourn their loss, but make new connections instead. We certainly have interesting times up ahead and I am so grateful that our choice has been approved.

Be careful what you wish for

Now that our son has turned into a determined show off, I guess I can expect more calls from school like the one I had yesterday afternoon : There had been three new ‘behaviours’ to be reported to me and one had resulted in retaliation:

  1. Joshua had tried repeatedly to pull the glasses off the face of a fellow student. Irritated by him grabbing at the arms of his glasses on his face, his peer had hit Joshua on the nose. They had checked him over, and other than some redness and some hurt pride, Joshua was fine as he ‘sulked’ on the settee. Now I am surprised that this is the first time that school have seen this behaviour, as he has been pulling at mine and Yorkshire Grandma’s glasses for months and that is where his phrase ” No Glasses” came from originally, after being told no repeatedly.  It is certainly irritating.

My response to the member of staff who called me was, that he will have deserved it, as it is very annoying, as he waves around your eyes like an annoying wasp. I told Yorkshire Grandma and she too hoped that with this reaction he might desist, as rather than retaliating, I simply remove my glasses as they are clearly too interesting.

2. But that was not all he had been up to, he had also been opening and shutting the door to the girls’ toilets! Now Joshua has always loved messing with doors and enjoys the big sound that they make when slammed shut. But was his choice of door yesterday  deliberate, who knows? At my

3. Thirdly, Joshua began to remove his trousers when he was in the classroom. We had discussed this development earlier in the week as I suggested that it was being used to gain attention. The member of staff recognised that he was choosing to strip when he did not have one to one staff attention and I am sure that behaviour, immediately gained a response.

So that was all in one afternoon of fun for Joshua. I know that he is pushing boundaries to see what works and what he can get away with, perhaps the bop on the nose might not be the kind of attention that he was after!

Before Joshua went to school, I can clearly remember saying to our lovely health visitor : I hope that he does grow up to be a bad boy… that way at least he won’t be just a cabbage. Now you know what they say about being careful what you wish for….But actually, although we need to teach him better ways to get attention, I do really love this lively, unpredicatble young man who is finding out how to communicate and how to make his presence felt after so many years of being mute and passive.