Weekend Ways

After a busy week dashing around for me and my husband only arrived home from his travels after midnight, we were both ready for a Saturday when we pottered about the house doing chores, but nothing too ambitious. But Joshua had other ideas and he communicated them very effectively. Mid-morning he had had enough at home and he passed me his splint, indicating that he was ready to go out. I told him that we would go to Tesco soon, so he upped his game. He went upstairs and began slamming the landing door really hard, so that I came running, to stop him from making such a noise and prevent him from breaking the door. So I took the hint and put his splints and boots on.

We had an exciting morning out : we delivered some shortbread to a friend and Joshua waved from the car. Then we parked up in town and we walked to the chemist to collect his prescription. They were still preparing it and so he found a broom while we waited, and began to sweep their floor for them; he did such a good job, apart from waving the brush around his head and potentially tripping their customers up, that they offered him a Saturday job of sweeping and greeting customers at the door! Then we went to a cafe for brunch, where we sat in a booth where he ate toast and drank orange juice, while I had a mug of tea, and we watched the world go by. He seemed satisfied by his outing but the real highlight was pushing the trolley around Tesco!, he got excited as we approached the store. He did a bit of kicking of my ankles and the trolley, but nothing excessive and nothing targeted at other customers, thankfully.

When we had got everything on our list, we headed for the tills where a small boy wearing an epilepsy helmet just like Joshua’s was sitting waiting for his parents. Joshua spotted him and gave him a big friendly wave, which made me smile – it was as though he recognised a fellow member of his ‘gang’! He sat  beautifully, cross legged, while I packed up our two bags of groceries and only jumped up when I told him that I was ready, which is rare. When we got home, he was content to sit in den watching a film while I made a stew, as he had been satisfied by his trip out, so he did not demand terribly exciting distractions to make him happy.

But at around 4pm the door slamming began again and again, he brought me his splint. My husband was in the bath, trying to soak away his jetlag, so we took the dogs to the park so that everyone could have a run about and burn off some energy. The park was muddy but the dogs loved it and Joshua enjoyed throwing sticks for them to fetch and chew. We walked right around the perimeter to ensure that he was worn out and on our way back to the car, the wind was blowing full in his face,with some drizzle, and it really made him giggle.

Joshua cannot always get his own way at weekends, as sometimes there are plans or jobs that need to get done, but as we had a fluid day, I was able to listen to him communicating and to respond.


Strange Sunday

Joshua was very clingy to me all day yesterday; he followed me around all day and he hovered in the kitchen while I cooked, hooking his arm around my neck. All day long he was hardly out of my sight. I wonder if he too was re-living the horrors of last weekend in his mind? Or if he felt odd, perhaps with seizure activity in his brain, and did not want to be alone? But something was definitely different to usual, when he comes and goes from his den.

We made our weekly trip to the local supermarket together, when I allow, and encourage him, to push the trolley for me. He enjoys that but he is a pretty wild driver and the trouble starts when I want to stop at an aisle and select something for the trolley. It is impossible to hesitate, browse and choose which version to buy, it has to be a snap decision that is hurled in the trolley as he flies by! Normally he is happy to sit on the seats while I pack the bags, but not yesterday : he was adamant that he was going to push the trolley out of the shop for me, so I had to pack with one arm and hold the trolley back with the other. Although the man at the till could see I was challenged, it is maybe the first time that I have not been asked if I want any help with my packing! I think he was enjoying the battle of wills in front of him too much.

Despite his unusual behaviour, Joshua communicated beautifully on several occasions with me yesterday : after I had unpacked the shopping at home, he came in to survey the kitchen. He then grabbed a bag of newly purchased satsumas and brought them to me, clearly indicating what he fancied to eat. After tea, we were sitting on the settee watching TV, we had enjoyed an early bath, and he simply came in,sat down next to me and said ” Bed!”, well you can’t get any clearer than that. I hugged him and off we went upstairs, even though it was only 8pm – he had had a busy day after all. He took his bedtime medication and I tucked him in, and as I leaned in to give him a good night kiss, he piped up with “Bye Bye”. What a brilliant way to end a full-on Joshua-filled day!

Hanging on the Telephone

While my husband is overseas, he is 9 hours ahead of the UK and so he is getting up to start his day just as I was heading to bed and the same is true of him when I get up. So mid afternoon for me, he will be setting off for the airport to head home again, with his business already completed. Due to the time difference, Joshua has not been around when he has telephoned home to ask after us all. But Joshua has never spoken to anyone on the telephone : at the weekend, he was hovering by the phone when I called his respite provision and looking interested. The member of staff that I was talking to told him that his Mum was on the phone and handed the receiver over. Apparently he smiled and even waved at me, so he knew who was on the other end, but he said nothing as I repeatedly said hello and asked him questions.

For Joshua, the telephone is not a communication device, but it is a fascinating toy. It has buttons to push, that beep and light up. He will pose endlessly in front of the hall mirror holding the phone to his ear like he has watched his parents do. He used to do an impression of me on the telephone while he does that: ” yes…yes… yes…. hahahahaha” which was hilarious but I haven’t heard that for months now. Once he has posed and admired himself with the telephone, he carefully places it in the dog bed beneath the mirror in the hall, so it is often lost under a sleeping dog.

Over the years we have had a few mishaps with the telephone : he has dialled 999 twice in my memory! Once we were called back by emergency services to check that all was well but once, at Granny’s house, the Police actually came to the door to see that everything was OK and I had to show them the perpetrator, as we had all been eating a meal while he made his call for help. Again at Granny’s house, the cordless handset went in to the washing up bowl of water and was ruined and I have lost count of the number of mobile screens that he has cracked; the most dramatic was when he threw my Blackberry out of the patio doors one summer, into the garden.

So although he does not use a phone personally, Joshua is very drawn to them. When I am speaking on the telephone, he will often do anything to try to get my attention, to try to focus on him rather than the caller; That can range from pulling his trousers down so that they are round his ankles and is in danger of tripping over them, to going upstairs and perhaps posing at the top. He often looks as though he wants to engage with the caller, by getting really close, but if he is given the opportunity to speak, he usually smiles, waves or kisses the phone but never utters a word.  Joshua is fascinated by hands-free calls in the car as the familiar voice fills the car but cannot be seen. He once had a Facetime call with my sister and he enjoyed that, perhaps he would engage more if he could see the other person’s face while they were speaking.

If I thought that he would engage with me when I phoned respite, I would call in the daytime so that we could ‘chat’ ,but instead I wait until he is , in theory, tucked up in bed. I would love to hear Joshua speak on a telephone one day, even if it was just to say one of his favourite phrases , such as ” I like you” or “No way!”

Behave yourself

I had some advice yesterday on how to handle Joshua’s behaviour, since he has started to smack my arm or kick out, typically when he is objecting to something or if he is craving attention I think. I had a telephone conversation with the Children’s learning Disability Team before Christmas and I was invited along to hear some ‘pointers’ on how best to handle this change in his behaviour. We are all agreed that he is trying to communicate something and he needs to be shown a more socially acceptable means of saying what he wants to say. when you are virtually non-verbal and do not sign, you have limited resources at your disposal to communicate with and objecting with a hit to the arm, might seem an obvious one.

Most of the strategies that the two learning Disability nurses showed me, were already in place with school, where I have already had a couple of meetings to discuss this change. I had been tolerating his smacking and kicking until it moved beyond just me, to include teaching assistants at school and Yorkshire Grandma on one occasion that I was working away. The nurses were full of praise for what I had been trying and for the support that school had shown us. They too suggested visual support to help Joshua to process what was happening ‘now’ and ‘next’ and equipped me with some pictures of things that we might do at home. I have said before, Joshua is all about the here and now and so I am not sure how he will handle the concept of ‘next’ but we will certainly be trying it out both at home and at school.

They also gave me a presentation on my reactions to his behaviour and I explained that wherever possible, I walk away from him once he has smacked me, to deliberately remove my attention. More often than not, he is delighted to see me back again after the ‘timeout’ and we can start dressing or undressing again, for example., without any more incidents. The nurses suggested that an egg timer could be introduced to show him the length of time that I will be gone for. Again, I can give that a try but I am really not sure if he understands the concept of passing time, but let’s see. It will at least ensure that I am consistent in how long I stay away for if I am timing it.  The timeout is not for him to think about what he has done particularly, as you are taught when they are tantruming toddlers, but more to show him that his response does not result in any attention, so it is not worth repeating.

They produced a star reward chart too, that he gets something he loves, like his guitar or Donald’s, after he has earned five good behaviour stars. I am not convinced that this is the best way forward with Joshua, as I doubt that he would grasp the reward concept and my priority is to get him to communicate in a more appropriate way, rather than getting him to conform necessarily. But I appreciate their thoughts on how best to tackle this stage in Joshua’s development. The timing seems right to intervene while it is at a low level and hopefully we can redirect him in time for him moving onto adult daycare, away from his ‘safe’ school environment where he is known and he is popular. A new respite or daycare provision will not have that history on him, to know that he did not always communicate with little kicks or smacks, and I am determined that he does not start off there, wherever there might be, on the wrong foot.

The Silent Treatment

When your child is virtually non-verbal then you have to play detective in order to work out what he is trying to communicate, but yesterday Joshua made his feelings pretty clear. I had booked him a haircut at 4.30 as he has thick, unruly hair, like both of his parents, and it was getting too long and getting in his eyes.  In the past, haircutting has been very traumatic and  it took three of us to hold him still for the stylist to access his locks. But over the years, the same hairdresser has worked with us to gain his trust and confidence and that hard work is really paying off now.

So I decided from school that it was better not to go home first as Joshua likes to kick off his boots and relax when he gets in, so it would have been a struggle to get him out again after just 30 minutes at home. So instead I drove to his favourite ‘Donalds from school to buy him the treat before his hair-ordeal, warning him en route what would be happening later. As we approached the fast food restaurant, he began grinning and pointing, he knew exactly what was about to happen. Although he was slightly put off that we were not going inside, but that we used the Drive in facility but he enjoyed his fish finger Happy Meal in the car. He devoured it hungrily and it certainly made him happy.

We arrived in our home town at 4.20 so walked slowly to the salon, as Joshua scowled as we drove past the end of our lane and headed into town instead. He restlessly paced around the salon in his cape while he waited for his hairdresser to finish with her previous client, but fortunately Joshua is very vain and so being surrounded by mirrors kept him amused. As she approached with first clippers and then scissors, he sat well, clutching the salon telephone in his good hand and with his head bowed. It was only when she reached his fringe that I needed to assist by holding his head up and a colleague held his hand, to prevent him from swiping her scissored hand away.

Once completed Joshua ran his hands through his new haircut, admired himself in the miorror, whipped off his cape and began  sweeping up the hair on the floor. He even uttered a quiet ” thank you”. This calm teenager was a million miles away from the screaming little boy who had to be thrown out of a barber shop with half a style and who we had to use clippers on at home , sitting on my knee on a kitchen chair in the utility room. Joshua made small objections last night but nothing extreme and so the years of patient perseverence have really paid off and I am eternally grateful. She sprayed him with after-shave as he was leaving so he smelt and looked gorgeous and there was real relief all round.

Stepping Out

Joshua is communicating in a variety of ways lately and one is with his large feet; he has big feet anyway, same as his dad’s, but then he has NHS splints and built up black leather boots on top of them so they are even larger. They are actually not as heavy as they look but even so Joshua has bulky feet and he votes with them, often.

As soon as Joshua comes home from school, he sits on the settee and sticks his feet out ready to get his boots and splints off. They must be horrid to wear all day, particularly in the summer when the plastic splints must sweat. But his boots are useful for communicating with too: I wrote last week that we heard his door kicking during a meeting in school last week but he also used the same  approach to tell me that he was ready to go out on saturday morning, with an insistent and determined kick to our front door, once he was dressed and ready. I was told off last Tuesday when his meal was not ready on time, he came into the kitchen to inspect proress with cooking, then gave me a couple of kicks to the ankles to express his disapointment, as it was not the service that he receives when yorkshire Grandma meets him from school! If he does not want to walk somewhere, then he plants his feet solidly on the ground and somehow manages not to be moveable, that is a very effective objection too.

Joshua also uses his feet as a tool for entertainment, by sticking a foot out at the last minute to trip you up as you walk past him. That is a deliberate and hilarious joke for Joshua, as he loves some slap stick humour.He does it subtly so that at first you do not realise that he is tripping you up, you think that it is your fault, so he is sneaky with it. Joshua’s feet are also part of his bedtime routine too : after his bath,he will sit on the side of his bed in his pyjamas and hold his feet out one by one. I massage moisturiser into them and give him a foot rub and do his leg stretches, to loosen his tight hamstrings. He relaxes during this process and his eyes go dreamy, so it is a great precursor to bed.

So Joshua’s feet play an important role in his life and he uses them in many different ways. I am going to try to get him some chiropody so that we take better care of them too, although I am not sure how he would respond to that, we will see……

I Your’s

Mostly last week while away together, Joshua said ‘I like you’ as his favourite phrase and it was hard to get him to say much else, although we did have occasional mentions of ‘Joshie’. But when we got home and I was removing his bulky boots, he said my favourite phrase of his : he stared into my eyes and he uttered ” I yours” and my heart swelled, ‘ Oh yes I agreed, you are mine’ and I gave him a big squeeze and I have not heard him say it again since, so it was deliberate choice to say that then, and not random repitition. I have taken it to mean that he knows where and to whom he belongs and that is very special, in a world where we are really not sure what precisely he knows and understands.

We have always maintained that he understands so much more than he can express and he demonstrates that, daily. He had taken to going to the back of the kitchen door and pulling at his apron hanging on a hook there, to indicate that he is hungry as he wears that at mealtimes. He holds his feet out, on demand, to have his socks put on in the morning and to have his boots removed when he comes home from school. I had warned him that it was back to school yesterday, his first full day there for over two weeks, and he raced outside to board the taxi on coming downstairs, without  a backward glance.

So he undertstands much of what we mean but I do not understand all of what is going on in his head. He will have been delighted to see everyone at school again, but instead of positivity in his home/school diary, I read with sadness that he had “hit and kicked two members of staff today”, so something was not right with my gentle giant. I am not sure how to respond to that news : do I apologise? try to explain the inexplicable? Make excuses for him? I am really not sure. I would normally say that he hits out – and he does smack me occasionally – to gain attention, but the diary says that this was not the case. I love to read that he is happy at school but this diary entry suggests that all was not right yesterday and I am trying to second-guess what he was trying to communicate in this behaviour. I am hoping that it was a one -off and that he moves back to his high-5s or hugs or onto something else next, as he knows that hitting and kicking is not acceptable.